The cure for box-checker syndrome
If you, like me, are a box checker, you probably don’t need to be told what it is. But for enviable readers who don’t suffer from box-checking syndrome, I’ll quickly define it:
Box-checker syndrome is a condition where your life feels like a never-ending list of boxes to be checked.
I have suffered from this for as long as I can remember, constantly moving from one task to the next. Even when I’m not busy in the traditional sense, the mental preoccupation with what “needs” to be done is consuming.
My box-checking pattern is so ingrained, it’s difficult to loosen the grip long enough to examine the boxes.
I don’t mean glance at them, long for a day when I don’t have to do them anymore, then get them done anyway. I mean really look at them.
Your purpose isn’t a box
Here’s why we need to look closely at these boxes we’re so busy checking:
Living out of alignment with your true nature is exhausting. It zaps your life force and stops your potential in its tracks.
You can be checking all the boxes on all the lists—for years, and doing a damn good job at it—but if the boxes you’re checking aren’t the right ones, eventually it’s going to burn you out. Or at the very least, leave you feeling unfulfilled.
So, what does true nature have to do with box checking?
Well—and this part was hard for me to accept at first—if something feels like a box to be checked, it’s most likely not aligned with your true nature.
Sometimes boxes are things you feel a very strong sense of obligation, history, or fear toward. They are not easy to stop.
However, the more your life is comprised of boxes—aka “shoulds”—the more disconnected from yourself you become. And being disconnected from yourself is a recipe for feeling stuck, because you can’t move toward your true desires if you’re living someone else’s life.
Curiosity is the cure
As box checkers, boy would we love a quick-and-dirty solution we could do once and then—don’t you know it—check that box!
Unfortunately, this isn’t that. But it helps.
Calendar review
Take inventory of the past three months. Yesterday was the start of a new quarter, so it’s a great time to do this exercise.
Starting with January 1 and going up until the day you’re reading this, write down every item on your calendar. Try not to skip anything, especially things you do routinely.
Rate each item on a scale from 1-5.
A 5 is an experience that was so fulfilling you wish you could relive it. When you recall it, your body feels at ease and free. You might feel a wave of excitement at the idea of doing it again.
A 1 is an experience that was so dreadful you don’t even want to think about it. But if you do, it’s not pleasant. Your body tenses up, maybe you get nervous or anxious at the thought of ever having to do it again.
Once you have everything written down and rated, organize your list into two groups:
4s and 5s
Everything else
Ask questions
Start with your 4s and 5s. Ask yourself about each item:
What made this a 4 or 5 for me?
Who was I with?
What did I do immediately after and how did I feel?
Why don’t I do this more often?
What else in my life gives me this same feeling?
Now, for everything else. Ask yourself about each item:
Why did I do that?
If your instinct is to respond to this with “Because I had to,” push yourself to go a little deeper.
For most of us, there are actually very, very few things we have to do—including work, including taking your kid to that thing, including showing up at that holiday.
Opting out of certain things may have consequences, but almost none of them are required.
This can be hard to comprehend at first, especially when it comes to boxes that involve money and security, family responsibilities, or other deeply ingrained aspects of being human.
However, it’s actually really empowering to recognize that you have choice in almost every aspect of your life. You start to feel less like life is happening to you and more like you have control over your destiny.
What would happen if I never did that again?
Resist the urge to settle for, “That’s impossible!” or “I wish!”
It’s fine if you feel like the consequences of never doing this thing again would be dire. Just explore that.
What specifically would happen? And if the outcome is something unpleasant, ask yourself, And what would happen then? And then what?
The idea is to keep pushing yourself a level deeper to try and identify what would actually happen—the reality of the situation—not the story your wired-for-safety brain is telling you will happen.
Once you have some clarity on the true consequences of choosing not to do something, you can make future choices from a place of acceptance.
The truth is, there are just some things in life that are easier to keep doing than stop doing, at least for a time. But even when you decide it’s better to keep doing something you don’t feel like doing, you always have the power to change how you do it.
Acceptance—not to be confused with resignation—carries a much higher frequency than resistance. When you show up for things with full awareness of reality, and acceptance of your choice, your experience of the thing changes.
What’s at stake when I do that?
Another way of thinking about this one is, When I make space for things like this in my life, what am I not making space for?
How did I show up in my life before and after doing this?
What did I get out of it?
Even when it feels like you’re not getting anything out of something you don’t enjoy, you are—otherwise, you wouldn’t do it. For example, comfort and approval are common reasons people do things they say they don’t want to do.
By the way, none of these questions are easy!
From one box checker to another, I can tell you I still struggle with this every day. The good news is, I can also tell you tools like this help.
Pay attention to your patterns and get curious—not judgmental—about why you do the things you do.
It may not scratch your check-the-box itch but it’ll nudge you toward a more aligned place. From there, there are much fewer boxes to check.
