How to figure out what you really want

Ever feel like you want things to be different but can’t pinpoint exactly how? Know you’re meant for more but have no idea where to begin figuring out your next step—never mind your purpose?

You have a vague (sometimes not-so-vague) sense that your life, while not necessarily outright miserable, isn’t quite what it could be. You know there’s another level, another version, another path—another destination—that’s out there for you.

And yet, you don’t know what you actually want.

Culture, media, family, friends, colleagues, and lots of other forces are quick to tell you what you should want. But none of that matters. In fact, it’s the reason it’s so hard to get in touch with what you want in the first place.

Understanding what you truly desire in life requires shutting out every voice except your own.

I have a coaching tool that can help.

Turn off your brain and turn on your senses

For this coaching tool, not only do you need to shut out all other voices but you also need to shut out your own brain. What you’ll need to tune into instead are your five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.

I’ll provide you with some prompts but you don’t have to answer every one of the questions. They won’t all feel relevant for your life. Use them as guides if they’re helpful.

This exercise is about letting yourself wander in whatever directions tug at your senses.

So, brain off, senses on. Ready?

Choose your day

You’re going to visualize yourself moving through an ideal day, starting with the moment you become conscious that you’re awake. (Notice I didn’t say “the moment you open your eyes” because you’ll probably hear, smell, or touch something before you open your eyes.)

You’re waking up on a typical day, not a holiday or vacation day or special event. It’s an ordinary day in your extraordinary life.

Pick your timeframe

Before you start feeling into your ideal day, ground yourself in a timeframe. What’s the date?

If it’s helpful, visualize calendar pages flipping to the moment you’re experiencing your ideal day. I usually recommend 3-5 years out, but go with whatever feels right to you.

Start fantasizing

Beginning with that first conscious moment, where are you? Did an alarm wake you up? What does the bed feel like? Is there a breeze in the room? Really try and feel into the moment.

Place your feet on the floor and take your first steps into your ideal day. What do you have for breakfast? Are you alone or with other people? Are there animals around? What does your environment look like? Does it seem warm or cold outside?

Time to get ready. Notice anything special about your bathroom? Do you use certain products in the shower? What clothes are hanging in your closet? What do you decide to wear?

Now you’re going somewhere. What time is it and where are you going? How do you get there? If you’re headed to work, where do you work? What does the space look and sound like? Are there other people around?

Notice where else your day takes you. What hours do you spend at work? What else do you do during the day? Are you in multiple locations? If so, where? How do you get from place to place? Who do you interact with? What do you eat?

Feel the darkness settling in. How do you spend your evenings? Are you back home or out doing an activity? In either case, describe what’s involved. Do you cook, eat restaurant food, watch TV, read? Are you alone or with others? What are you wearing? What is your energy level?

Lay your head on the pillow. What time is it? How dark is your bedroom? Do you hear any noises? What’s on your heart as you drift off to sleep?

Compare to today

After you’ve finished experiencing your ideal day, ask yourself: What aspects of my ideal day am I already living?

This can provide clues about areas where you’re on the right track—meaning, living in alignment with your true nature—and areas where you might want to explore change.

‘Possible’ lives in your body

The purpose of this tool is to help you connect with what’s possible for your life. Not what is or what’s likely to be available based on past experiences.

With the ideal-day tool, you’re putting aside all your stories about your limitations. You’re not tempering your desires based on “reality.” You’re not thinking about the “how” of it all. In fact, you’re not thinking at all. You’re feeling your way there.

You are creating a vision, not a roadmap.

It’s almost impossible to think your way to answers about your deepest desires, especially if you’ve been searching for them for a while. If you could think your way there, you’d already be there.

To figure out what you really want in life, you must call upon your bodily felt sense.

This is your inner knowing, a deeper and truer level of awareness that arrives when you quiet your culturally-conditioned, wired-for-safety brain. From here—and only here—you gain access to what’s truly possible for your life.

Bodily felt sense is always available to us, however, the static in our minds (i.e., our thoughts) usually drowns it out. The ideal-day tool is a method of connecting with your felt sense.

When to use this tool

The ideal-day tool is especially helpful if you’ve been struggling for a while to figure out what you want. Spending too much time in that place can get frustrating and eventually paralyzing because it can feel like you don’t even know where to begin.

Go ahead and tweak the tool based on what you’re struggling with.

For example, if you don’t know what you want in regards to work, try framing it as the ideal workday. If you don’t know what you want in a relationship, try the ideal relationship. Not sure where you want to live? Take a walk through your ideal city.

Even if this tool seems silly because it doesn’t feel “practical,” suspend disbelief and just try it.

The worst that can happen is you do it and still don’t know what you want. And, I can almost guarantee that if you do this exercise with sincere intentions, you’ll gain at least one new insight about yourself and the life you want to create.